she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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