So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
