I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
