I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
