Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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