he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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