Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
