Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
