Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
