Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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