Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize