I'm going to jail i love you
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
