Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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