I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
