JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
