The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
