I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
