So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
