I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
