Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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