If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
