nut hugger
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
