My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
