I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
my liver is dry heaving
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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