If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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