Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
