you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
