Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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