Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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