Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
