at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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