Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
