i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
