Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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