I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
