They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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