you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
