This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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