I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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