Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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