new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
