For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
