Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
