The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
