drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
