If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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