the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
