Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
