My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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