I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
