So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
