My Higher Power is John Stamos
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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