I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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