you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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