I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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